Raphael's depression
by KerryAnne
Summary: This is a flashback to Raphael's depression after the birth of his and Leo's third child and events leading up to it, which also contributed to the breakdown of their marriage. You need to read Broken vows, which I have on this site, to get the full story
1. Friction

Leo and Raphael got married at the tender ages of thirteen and eleven. Splinter had warned them that they were extremely young to make that kind of commitment, but the happy couple had threatened that they'd run away if he didn't consent to their wishes. Not wanting to lose his sons, Splinter had agreed. Not long after the ceremony, to the tremendous shock of the family, Raphael was gravid. The young parents to be had been nervous about the baby, but also excited and had immediately started fixing up Leo's old bedroom to turn it into a nursery. The happiness soured a bit when Raphael was told that he could no longer train like the others and couldn't go out on patrol. "Why the hell not?" Raphael had demanded. "My son, you need to stay at home," Splinter had said. "For the safety of the baby and yourself. You aren't as nimble as you once were." Raphael had looked down at his swollen belly and scowled. "So I'm a little fat. I can still fight. Come on, Dad."  
"No. You are to stay at home. What if something happened to you or the baby? Could you forgive yourself?"  
Raphael shook his head. "No. I'd die if anythin' happened ta the baby. And Leo would probably never forgive me either."  
"Then it's settled. You can stay home with me and watch TV. There's apple pie in the fridge. Cut us some slices and how about some cream? You hardly touched your lunch."  
"Okay, Dad." Fuck, I'm gonna be so bored, Raphael thought, still feeling resentment at being forced to stay home.

Raphael cut slices of the pie and went to the lounge, handing Splinter's plate to him and plopping down beside him. The nice thing 'bout expectin', Raphael had thought, is that I can eat whatever I want. He devoured his food, then went back for more. "My son," Splinter had said, seeing Raphael with his second plate of pie. "You must have been really hungry."  
"Yeah," Raphael agreed. At least I have food, he thought. That will alleviate the boredom.

Raphael consoled himself by eating. Multiple portions of everything and it wasn't just at meal times. He snacked throughout the day: chips, soda drinks, baked goods. He ate whatever he could find. It didn't go unnoticed. "My son," Splinter said one evening, looking at his son's much rounder figure. "Do you think it's wise to eat so much and your belt looks like it's going to snap any minute now?"  
"I'm hungry, Dad," Raphael said. "It's the baby and these cravings. Besides, I'll lose the weight when it's born."

"I'll get him into an exercise regime then," Don said. "But, Raph, do try to lay off the sweet things a bit."  
"Why? I like it and the baby likes it? Makes me happy, don't it, Leo?"

Raphael sometimes had terrible mood swings, because of the pregnancy and Leo didn't want to initiate one now, so he grabbed his mate's hand and said, "If Raph's happy, so am I. And he's healthy, Don. Besides he's young and he'll shift the weight in no time."  
Raphael looked at him gratefully and tucked into his fourth chocolate brownie. "Ohh. This is so good, Mikey," he said. "Did I tell ya?"

Michelangelo laughed. "Yes, Raph. There's plenty more."  
"Great," Raphael said, swallowing and reaching for another.

Later in bed, Raphael and Leo were talking, when there was a popping noise. "What was that?" Leo asked.  
Raphael groaned contentedly and rubbed his massive gut. "That's much better."  
"What is?"  
Raphael pulled back the bedclothes and said, "My belt popped off. Much better. Now my belly can hang freely." Raphael's mask and gear had been discarded a while back, being too small for him and rested on the dresser. "Raph, do you think you should go on a diet? Maybe Dad was right..."  
"Fuck ya. I'm gravid, Leo. The only pleasure I get is eatin'. Let me at least have that. I'll work out when the baby's born, okay?"  
"Okay. I'm just concerned."  
"Ain't no reason ta be. I'll be fine, Leo. Quit bitchin'."  
"Okay, Raph."  
"Do ya find me unattractive like this?"  
Leo stared at his tubby mate with his huge belly and chubby cheeks. Raphael was no longer the muscular, strapping turtle Leo had fallen in love with. "No," Leo said quickly. "I fell in love with you for you, Raph. What's inside your heart and head. Not..."  
"So ya never thought me handsome?"  
"Let me finish. Yes, looks played a part too. You may be a bit rounder now, Raph, but you're still beautiful to me and you will always be. I love you. That'll never change." Leo nuzzled his beak to Raph's and kissed him. "Especially now that you're carrying our baby. You're giving me such a precious gift. Thank you."  
Raphael smiled. "I love ya, Leo. Can ya do me a favor?"  
"Anything."  
"Can ya get me a piece of chocolate cake and ice cream?"  
"All right, Raph. Anything else?"  
"Some chocolate milk."  
"Okay, Raph."

Leo got the food from the kitchen and Raphael happily devoured it. "I've been thinking," Leo said. "What do you want to do when the baby's born, Raph?"  
"Train, fight the bad guys."  
"I think one of us should stay at home with the baby. Why endanger both of our lives?"  
"What are ya sayin'?" Raphael asked, narrowing his golden eyes.  
"I'm leader, so it can't be me. I want you to stay at home."  
"What? But we fuckin' agreed that I'd go back ta trainin' and fightin."  
"No, Raph. I said we'd discuss it and we are now. You're going to stay at home."  
"I ain't no fuckin' housewife, Leo! It ain't fuckin' fair. I'm the one who got fuckin' knocked up and now I have ta stay at home forever!"  
"It isn't forever, Raph."  
"Then when? When it's grown up?"  
"Just for the first six months or so, Raph. Until the baby's a bit bigger. Come on. Most new mothers would be thrilled to stay at home."  
"I ain't gonna be Mom! I'm a dad and so are ya."  
"I'm not asking you, Raph. I'm telling you."  
"Ya ain't my boss."  
"I'm still your leader and I'm ordering you to stay home."  
"Fuck ya, Leo!"  
"Curse all you like, but the decision's final. Just think you can have all the food you want, watch some TV. Dad says you've been watching the soaps."  
"Just know I ain't happy, Leo. It ain't fair that ya get ta go out when I'm gonna be stuck at home watchin' crappy TV. And this is the last kid, Leo. Ya hear me? I'll do those six months, but after that I'm gonna go bust some Purple Dragons and get back in shape. Got it?"  
"I thought you wanted more kids."  
"Not if I have ta stay at home for the rest of my damn life! This is it. Okay?"  
"Okay, Raph. You know I think you'll be a great Mommy," Leo teased.  
"Fuck ya," Raphael growled, throwing a pillow at him. "Ya get the couch tonight."  
"Why?"  
"For bein' a jackass. Fuck off. I wanna sleep."  
"Raph..."  
"I don't wanna talk. It's yer fault I'm in this damn state."  
"Raph, it was..."  
"Out!" Raphael yelled, his golden eyes flashing.  
"I do love you, Raph."  
"Fuckin' get out!"

Fuck him, Raphael thought, as he lay back down. Who does he think he is, bossin' me like that? Fuckin' Fearless needs ta know what it's like bein' gravid and cooped up twenty-four seven! See how he'd like that!

A couple of months later, Raphael was lying in bed beside Leo, when he felt tremendous cramps in his belly. "Leo," he said, shaking him. "Leo."  
"What's the time, Raph?" Leo asked sleepily.  
"Three a.m. I need ya ta get Don. The baby's comin'. Argh! Now!"  
"What now?" Leo asked, now alert.  
"Fuck!" Raphael yelled, clutching his stomach.

Leo jumped out of bed ran to Don's bedroom, yanking open the door. "Don, come now!"  
"What is it?" Don asked, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.  
"Raph's in labor. Come, Don."  
"Okay."

Don and Leo raced to Raphael's room. "What do I do, Don?" Leo asked.  
"Talk to Raph. Tell him you're here. Raph, I want you to lie down and spread your legs."

Raphael gritted his teeth and lay down, spreading his legs. "It damn hurts." Don got a pillow and propped it underneath his butt.

"What's going on?" Mikey asked, entering the room. "I heard shouting."  
"Raph's giving birth," Don said.  
"I'll get the video camera!"

"Ya ain't gonna film me," Raphael snarled, baring his teeth.  
"Raph," Leo said. "It's going to be our only baby. Please. And Dad's away on retreat, so he's missing this. He'd want to watch the birth."  
"Ya owe me big, Leo! And fine!" Raphael roared, feeling another stab of pain.

Mikey arrived with the camera. Turning it on he said, "Smile, Raphie. You're on camera."  
"I'm so gonna pound ya," Raphael yelled. "Ya little shit and don't call me...Arggg!"

"Raph, breathe in," Don said. "And then I want you to push, okay?"

"I'm here, Raph," Leo said. "I love you and you can do this. Push."

Raphael pushed as hard as he could. "Gah," he said, feeling his eyes water. "It fuckin' hurts."  
"Leo, wipe his face with that cloth," Don said.

Leo grabbed a cloth and gently wiped Raphael's face. "You're doing great, Raph," he said.

"Push, Raph," Don said. "Push."  
"I can't. I'm tired. I can't."  
Don peered at Raphael's cloaca and said, "It's starting to come out. Just two more huge pushes, Raph. You can do it."

Raphael pushed, then lay back, panting. "I can't," he said breathlessly.  
"Once more, Raph," Leo said, kissing his beak. "You can. Once more."

"Gahh!" Raphael yelled, pushing again and out popped a perfect round little egg.  
"You did it," Leo said, kissing his forehead. "Well done, Raph. You did it. I love you."  
"Can I sleep now?"  
"Yes, but don't you want to see the egg and hold it?"  
Raphael gazed down at it and smiled. "I'd like ta." Leo picked it up and placed it in his hands.  
"It's so perfect," Raphael said in awe, running his hands over the egg. "I can't believe that came outta me. I'm so happy, but I'm glad there's only one!"

"Can't believe it either," Mikey said. "Totally gross, but so sweet at the same time. You're a mommy now, Raph!"

"Fuck ya," Raphael snapped. "I'm a daddy!"

"Congrats, guys," Don said. "Great job, Raph. You want anything to eat or drink?"  
"Just sleep."  
"I'll bring the incubator here so the egg can go in. It should hatch in a couple of months."  
"Okay," Raphael said sleepily, closing his eyes.

"Sleep well, Raph," Leo said, kissing his cheek and taking the egg from him. When Don brought the incubator, Raphael was already asleep. Leo placed the egg into it and grinned. Mikey turned off the video camera and hugged Leo. "Congrats, Leo," he said. "You and Raph thought of any names?"  
"Nothing certain. But that can wait. Look at him. He's so perfect and beautiful."

"The egg?" Don asked.  
"That, too, but I was meaning, Raph," Leo said.

Mikey grinned and thought to himself, I bet there will be another baby before long!

in July that year, Raphael was back training and going out on patrol. He'd also managed to lose all the weight he'd gained and was feeling terrific. I love little Leo, he thought, and being home with him, but I also need ta go out. I can't stay at home all the time. Raphael was on his way home when he felt a twinge of nausea. Shit, he thought. Maybe the sushi I had last night was bad. Shit. He found a garbage can, leaned into it and threw up. Then leaning heavily onto a railing to steady himself, he threw up again. Fuck. Must have been really bad sushi. I'll tell Leo we ain't orderin' from there again. When he was feeling a little better, Raphael stood up and made his way home.

Raphael arrived home and headed to the kitchen for a drink of water. Don was at the table, reading a science magazine. "Hey, Don," Raphael said, getting a glass and filling it with water. "Hi, Raph. How was patrol?"  
"Fine," Raphael said, turning around. "Felt a bit sick, but I think it was because the sushi was off. I'm fine now, though."  
"Really? You look a bit green, Raph."  
"Honestly I'm okay." Raphael suddenly felt a fresh wave of nausea. Turning around swiftly, he just managed to upheave into the sink.  
"I disagree. Let me examine you."  
"I'm only sayin' okay, because I know ya will nag if I don't, so okay, but it's probably the sushi."

Don and Raphael went to Don's lab. Raphael sat down and Don ran some tests on him. Then printing out the result and reading it, Don's eyes widened. "Hmm."  
"What?" Raphael asked. "It's food poisoning, like I told ya, ain't it?"  
"No, Raph."  
"Then what?"  
"You're gravid. Looks like the little tyke's going to be born in February. Con..."  
"No!" Raphael yelled. "Fuckin' no!"

Raphael jumped off the chair so fast, he over turned it and ran as fast as he could out of the lair, tears spilling down his cheeks. Just when I could start ta go out again, this had ta happen! Fuck ya, ya little brat and fuck ya, Leo, for messin' up my life.


	2. Cracks

Raphael returned home three days later, having spent the entire time in one of his secret hideouts in the sewers. His mate had sent him many texts and phoned, but Raphael had ignored them all. Raphael had sulked and vented, but it was pointless, he knew. He was carrying a baby and there was nothing he could do about it, because abortion was out of the question. He was a ninja and they had a strict honor code that didn't believe in taking the life of innocents. No, I have ta have it, Raphael thought angrily, as he made his way back to the lair. Am I happy? No. Do I resent the kid? Hell, yeah. Do I want it? No. I'm not even thirteen yet and I'm gonna have baby number two. Dad was right. We shouldn't have got married so damn young. What was I thinkin'? No, I wasn't thinkin'. I was goin' with my hormones, but damn, Leo was hot and we couldn't keep our hands off each other.

Raphael arrived home to find Leo in the lounge. He was sitting on the sofa with their son and watching Space Heroes. Hearing footsteps, Leo glanced up and saw Raphael. "So you do have a home," Leo said sarcastically.  
"Listen, Leo..."  
"No, you listen, Raphael," Leo said, raising his voice. The baby started to cry and Leo sighed. "I'll put him down for a nap. Then me and you have to talk." Leo went into their bedroom, laid the baby in his crib and returned to the lounge.

"Sit, Raphael," Leo said, pointing at the sofa.  
Raphael sat and said, "Leo, I'm sorry."  
"You should be," Leo said, looking down at Raphael. "I was very worried. Did you get my messages?"  
"Yeah, but I didn't feel like talkin'. I needed time ta think."  
"I've done some thinking of my own. Do you love me?"  
"Of course I do, Leo."  
"Sometimes love isn't enough. Is it enough for us? Can you see us working out?"  
"Do ya love me?"  
"I never stopped loving you, but I'm furious. You leave without any explanation as to why and I'm..."  
"I'm gravid, Leo."  
"What?"  
"Ya heard me. We're gonna have another baby, Leo. I got scared and I ran."  
"You're gravid? Really?" Leo asked, a huge smile spreading across his face.  
"Yeah."  
"Oh, Raphael," Leo said, sitting down and taking his hand. "This is terrific. We're going to be parents again."  
"No, Leo, it ain't terrific. I'm gonna get fat, hormonal, be stuck at home again."  
"You're sexy when you're gravid, Raph. Sexier, I mean. Wow."  
"Ya just don't get it, do ya, Leo?" Raphael snapped. "I'm gonna be stuck at home again. Just when I could go topside, fight. Hell see somethin' besides these four damn walls."  
"Of course you'll stay home, Raph. We decided that you would. You were fine with it."  
"Was I really?" Raphael said bitterly. "Or was it decided for me that I would."  
"Oh, don't be like that, Raph, my handsome hothead. You know how lucky you are? You get to stay home, watch TV, eat what you want. I'll help you and care for you. I love you. You know I do."  
"Ya like controllin' me," Raphael hissed. "That's what I am ta ya. Somethin' ta knock up and control. Fuck. I see a life of endless nappies and vomit ahead. Excite ya? Don't excite me!"  
Raphael got up, stormed out of the room and banged the bedroom door so hard that it woke up Leo jr. The baby started to cry, but Raphael didn't care, looking at him contemptuously and crawling into bed, tears running down his cheeks. This ain't what I thought my life would be like, Raphael thought. I wanted kids, but not two within two years. Like one now and maybe one years later. I'd have been cool with that. And Leo doesn't listen ta me! We talk over each other, we ain't communicatin'. Why's marriage so damn hard? Ain't supposed ta be like this!

Raphael once again took solace in eating, scoffing everything he could find. He dutifully stayed home with Leo jr, not arguing, doing the chores like Leo wanted and being the perfect mate, his resentment growing all the time. His belly grew and soon his belt no longer fit him again, but he didn't care. I'm healthy, he rationalized. I'll drop the weight after the baby's born and if I don't, I don't care either. Intimacy between him and Leo was rare, but he didn't care either, having no interest or desire in sex. Raphael begged to go out sometimes, but Leo refused and Raphael's resentment grew even more. He stopped asking, but there was friction between them and he started avoiding Leo. They tried counselling, but it didn't work, because Leo accused him of being selfish and Raphael accused him of being controlling. Their marriage was crumbling and they knew it.

Months passed and the distance between him and Leo grew. They now barely spoke except to have words when Raphael hadn't done a chore or when Leo begged to have sex, but Raphael always said no, claiming he was tired. Leo stopped asking and Raphael could often hear him in the bathroom, beating off. Then Leo would return to the bedroom, his back to Raphael. Not long after that Leo said, "I'm going to sleep in your old room. I trust you won't mind. Not like you care whether I'm here or not."  
"Whatever," Raphael said. "Do as ya wish."  
"I think we should get a divorce. You aren't happy and I'm not happy."  
"Let's wait until after the baby's born and we'll talk 'bout it. But I agree with ya."  
"Good!"

Raphael dropped his egg in November and the labor only lasted an hour to his relief. Leo had been there, but they hadn't spoken, except for Leo saying, "You did great, Raphael. Thank you."  
"Course yer happy," Raphael snapped. "Now ya have someone else ta control." Then he'd closed his eyes and ignored his mate.

The egg hatched in February and they had another baby boy that they named Kane. Leo held his new son and gazed down at him tenderly. "He's gorgeous, Raphael, and looks like you."  
"I see that."  
"You aren't going to hold him?"  
"Fine, I will." Leo passed him to Raphael and despite Raphael's determination not to get close to the new baby, he smiled. "He's beautiful. We did good, Leo. The last good thing we did together."  
"I've been thinking about things, Raph. Don's been talking to me. He says you've felt trapped and that it's unfair to expect you to stay at home all the time."  
"Don told ya that before."  
"Yes, but I wasn't willing to listen before. He's right. I've been a jackass. You need time to yourself as well. Like I get. You felt resentful of everything, of me, maybe even the babies, because I made you stay at home."  
"Now ya get it. It ain't that I don't love the kids. I do, but stayin' home all the time is borin'. I haven't seen Casey in like forever or been on patrol or fought. I even miss fights with Chrome Dome. Marriage is about a partnership, but I've been doin' EVERYTHIN'! Ya didn't even get up at night ta help me with Leo jr. Ya never even offered ta take him for an hour or two so I could rest or do somethin' I wanted. Ya were the selfish one, Leo. Not me. I did everythin' ya wanted. And then ya have the cheek ta be upset when I don't want ta fuck? Well, fuck ya. After lookin' after a baby all day with no help from my mate, I get tired. Last thing I want is sex."  
"I get it."  
"Bout time. Never figured ya ta be slow, Leo. Heck, even Mikey got it and he ain't the smartest tool in the box."  
Leo chuckled. "Raph, I don't really want a divorce. Do you?"  
"No, but if we want this ta work, we have ta work together and ya gotta give me my own space and let me go out sometimes."  
"I will."  
"And no babies for at least two years. Ya know how sore it is layin' eggs?"  
"Promise. I promise, Raph. I'll listen to you and we'll be a team. Raise our babies together."  
Raphael smiled. "Then yeah, we can make things work. As long as we always communicate and listen ta each other.  
Leo pressed a kiss to Raphael's beak. "I love you, Raph, and I'm sorry."  
"I love ya, too, Fearless. And I'm sorry, too."  
Leo fetched Leo jr from his crib and the happy family snuggled together.

"Aw, beautiful," Don said, walking past and peering in. "You guys kissed and made up then?"  
"Uh huh," Leo said, gazing into Raphael's golden eyes. "We're making another go of things."  
"I'm glad. Stay there. I'll be back now."

Don returned a few minutes later with a digital camera. Snapping photos, he said, "I'll upload them and send them to your account, Leo."  
"Thanks."  
Don smiled and left the room. Yes, Leo thought, nuzzling Raphael's cheek. I do have a beautiful family and I love Raph so much. We can get through anything. Nothing will ever break us up again. I won't let it.


	3. Sex ed and parental advice from Shredder

After their heart-to-heart, Leo and Raphael's marriage got back on track. They shared the duties with the children, giving Raphael his space and freedom to do what he wanted. Raphael loved his children and mate, but he treasured those moments of alone time, too. He got back into doing the things he enjoyed: painting, woodworking and other arts and crafts and he was back to being buff and muscular and no longer looked at himself in disgust in the mirror. Raphael had worked hard to shift the weight after Kane's birth and he was proud of his body. Flexing his muscles in the mirror, Raphael grinned. Welcome back, he thought. No more Mr. fat turtle.  
"Admiring yourself again, Raph?" Leo teased, entering the bedroom. Caught out, Raphael blushed. "It's okay," Leo said. "You are damn hot. So very hot." Leo wrapped his arms around his mate's waist, leaving feather light kisses on his neck and shoulders.  
"Ugh, Leo. No!"  
"Why not? You're not in the mood?"  
"Maybe later. I have a ton of stuff I need ta do."  
"Too busy for me? You're always busy, Raph. I miss you."  
"Let me finish what I have ta do and I…."  
"What's wrong, Raph?"  
"Nothing's wrong. I just have a lot of stuff ta do."  
"Do you still love me?"  
"Of course I do," Raphael said, looking at him in surprise.  
"Then why won't you let me touch you. It's been two months since Kane's birth."  
"Is that all our relationship is ta ya? Sex?"  
"No, Raph. Of course not. But I'm starting to wonder if you find me unattractive." Raphael laughed.  
"What's so damn funny?" Leo demanded.  
"Ya. Fearless. I love ya so much and yer the sexiest guy in the world. It takes all my will power not ta give in ta ya. I want ta so bad, but…"  
"But what?"  
"Just 'bout every time we screw, we end up with a kid and I don't want more kids, Leo. Took me ages ta lose that weight and I like what I look like now. Before I was all blubber."  
"I still found you hot."  
"Yeah, but I didn't. We should use condoms, Leo. Ya really want ta have like a billion kids before we're twenty?"  
"No. Our family's complete."  
"Tell ya what, I'll finish my work and I'll treat ya ta a Raph special later." Raphael winked.  
Leo grinned. "I want it now."  
"Too bad. Ya will have ta wait," Raphael said, and chuckled.

Leo found condoms and the couple enjoyed several rounds of lovemaking later that night. Raphael snuggled next to his mate and felt on top of the world. I have the sexiest, most wonderful mate, he thought, and two gorgeous babies. I couldn't be happier.

Many months passed and the couple were very happy raising their little family, with hardly any arguments.

A few months after Raphael's fourteenth birthday on a cold and rainy night, the family were gathered around the kitchen table, when Raphael said, "I'm goin' out."  
"But it's damp out there," Leo protested. "And there's thunder and lightning."  
"Relax, Fearless. I'm just takin' the bike out."  
"No, you aren't. It's dangerous, Raph, and you could have an accident."  
"It's been rainin' for a week straight, Leo, and I'm bored of bein' down here!"  
"Then let's watch a movie. Please, Raph!"  
"Fuck ya. I'm goin' out," Raphael said, pushing his chair back. "Ya may be my mate, but ya ain't tellin' me what ta do."  
Leo stood up, his eyes flashing. "Raphael…"

"I think a fight's going to happen, bro," Mikey said. "Want to play video games in my room, Don?"  
"Sure," Don said, hurrying out of the kitchen, closely followed by Mikey.

Raphael stepped closer to Leo, a menacing scowl darkening his features. He jabbed a finger into his mate's plastron and yelled, "Get out of the damn way, Fearless."  
"No," Leo snapped, blocking his path. "I forbid you to go."  
Raphael shoved him so hard; Leo nearly fell and had to hold onto the wall to catch his balance. Stalking past him, Raphael went to the garage, retrieved his helmet and climbed onto his precious motorbike. Leo entered the room, just as Raphael gunned the engine and sped off into the distance. Throwing his hands up in the air in despair, Leo let out a sad sigh. I hope he'll be okay. Please let him be okay, he thought. He went into the kitchen and did something he never usually did, not being a fan of alcohol. He helped himself to some Sake, downed the glass and kept drinking, as he waited for Raphael to return home.

Raphael was enraged as he drove and thought about the argument. Hard, cold rain soon soaked him right through and he shuddered a little. Shit. I forgot to bring a coat, he thought. Fuck, Leo. Who does he think he is tellin' me what ta do? He knows I need ta get out now and then and he pulls that bullshit leader card. Pisses me off!

Three hours later, a drunken Raphael arrived home. He'd snuck into Casey's apartment, helped himself to a six pack of beer and drunk it all. Casey had been out, but had left the window open for his friend, as he sometimes did. Raphael parked his bike and staggered into the kitchen to get a glass of water. "So, yourefinallyhome," Leo slurred, sensing Raphael's presence. Raphael got his water and also slurred, "Are ya dwunk?"  
"Imfine, you asshole."  
"Fuckya!" Raphael yelled.  
Leo stood up drunkenly and shouted, "Ourmarriagebigmistake."  
"Divorce," Raphael roared, stepping closer. They stood, inches apart, eyes blazing. Then Leo suddenly grabbed Raphael and smashed their mouths together. Lost in the passionate kiss, the lovers forgot their feud and quickly moved to the bedroom.

Hands tugged at belts and weapons and they clattered to the floor. "Wantya," Raphael moaned, pushing Leo onto the bed and climbing onto him. Leo flipped him over and Raphael was soon writhing beneath him, saying, "Fuck me." Leo spread his legs wide and lined his dick up with Raphael's entrance. As he thrust in, Raphael gave a little mewl and spread his legs wider for his mate. Leo thrust in repeatedly, watching his mate grunting beneath him. "Fuck, Leo!" Raphael yelled. "I'm gonna come. Leo!"  
Leo thrust harder and faster and played with Raphael's dick. The hothead soon came; juices covering his plastron, leaving a white sticky mess. Leo came a minute later, ejecting his seed deep into his mate. Grunting, Leo pulled out, lay down and closed his eyes. Raphael was already asleep, spent and still covered in his goo.

The next morning, both woke up feeling extremely sticky. Looking at the stained sheets and smelling the lingering aroma of sex, Leo said, "Guess we had sex last night. Wish I could remember it. I must have been so out of it."  
"My head hurts," Raphael complained. "Were ya drunk? Ya never get drunk."  
"Sake. I was so worried and angry I had Sake."  
"I went ta Casey's and had some beers. That's the last thing I remember. Ya think we had sex?"  
Leo nodded. "Probably angry sex. We were fighting before you left."  
"Drunken, angry sex. Heh. The best kind. Apart from makeup sex. I hope we used protection. We did, didn't we?"  
"I don't know. Come on. We need to get up."  
"Hey, Leo? I'm sorry for stormin' out. I just needed ta get out."  
"You're really sorry?"  
"I am."  
"You can make it up to me later." Leo winked. "I ordered a new toy we can use."  
Raphael chuckled. "Yer so kinky, Fearless. I love ya."  
"I love you, too, hothead." Leo leaned close and kissed his beak. Then the couple went and had breakfast with their kids and family.

Two weeks later, Raphael was on the way home from Casey's, when he collided with Shredder down in the sewers. "Can head," Raphael snapped, drawing his sai from his belt.  
"Wretched reptile!" Shredder hissed. "Why are you turtles always in my way?"

"Get him, boss," Bebop said.

Shredder and Raphael stood, ready to do battle. Raphael prepared to leap at the villain, when suddenly he felt a twinge of nausea. Clutching his stomach and falling to the floor, Raphael threw up his evening meal. It landed on Shredder's shoes and he stared down at Raphael in revulsion. "What the hell's wrong with you?" Shredder demanded.  
"Water," Raphael said weakly, doubling over and getting sick again. "Water, please."  
Shredder stared at the turtle in disbelief. Then reaching into his shoulder bag, he pulled out a bottle of water and handed it to Raphael, saying, "Don't backwash."  
"Thanks," Raphael said, popping the cap and sipping the water. He soon felt a bit better, but he knew he'd get sick again. I'm gravid again, he thought in dismay. Must have been when Leo and I... "So, what's wrong with you?" Shredder asked. "You never get sick in the middle of a battle."  
"I'm gravid," Raphael said softly, feeling embarrassed that his enemy had seen him this way.  
"What? You're a boy. How's that possible?"  
"I gotta go home." Raphael tried to stand, but still feeling weak, he sank back onto the floor. Covering his face in his hands, he muttered, "I need ta go home ta my babies and Leo."

"Boss, aren't we gonna turtilize this creep?" Rocksteady demanded.  
"Shut up," Shredder snapped. "Raphael, you have children?"

"Ya gonna use that info against us?" Raphael demanded. "Because if ya come near my babies, I will kill ya."  
"I have nothing against babies," Shredder said. "It's you reptiles that are the enemy. Having said that…."  
"Ya gonna kill me? Come on. I've fallen and am at your mercy. Do it."  
"I'm not going to kill you, Raphael. How could I kill a gravid turtle? That would be callous. No, I'm going to let you go home, but I do want to know how old you are. I've always been curious."  
"Fourteen."  
Shredder tittered and said, "Fourteen and babies already. Didn't your father teach you about birth control, Raphael?"  
The turtle blushed. It was bad enough that he'd lost to Shredder, but now he had to listen to sex advice from his enemy. I'd rather have been killed on the spot, Raphael thought, his cheeks reddening again. "If you can get gravid," Shredder said. "You need condoms. They come in all shapes and sizes and you can get them from any drug store. I'm really surprised your father didn't tell you, Raphael."  
"I need ta go," Raphael said, trying to stand up. Shredder pushed him down and sat cross-legged.  
"No, Raphael," Shredder said. "You need the talk. It's long overdue. If I had children it's something I'd have done. Your father should be ashamed of himself letting his sons breed like rabbits. You have how many kids? And you're expecting again."  
"Two."  
"Exactly. Breeding like rabbits and aren't you brothers?"  
"Not biologically," Raphael said, hiding his face in his hands. Fuck. Just kill me, please.  
"Firstly, a boy and a girl meet and fall in love. They decide to have sex only when they're committed. Preferably when they're married. They use condoms until they are sure they want kids. Not before. That's why so many teen pregnancies happen and abortions. "  
"Spare me, please," Raphael begged.  
"Now teens are experiencing big life changes, their hormones are in overdrive, and they may be under pressure to have sexual intercourse, whether or not they feel ready. And I know you don't want this talk, but you will thank me when we're finished. Most young people are not active and nobody has the right to pressure them and any sexual involvement should be by mutual consent. Was yours by consent, Raphael?"  
"Leo didn't rape me. We both wanted it."  
"But you were so young, I'm guessing twelve, thirteen?"  
"Eleven and Leo was thirteen when we married."  
"Married. You mean committed and mated, don't you?"  
"Yeah. My first baby was born shortly before I turned twelve and the second a while before I turned thirteen."  
"Very sad, Raphael. You shouldn't have been indulging in sex. You were and are still a child. Far too young for such activities. The pressure got to you?"  
"Yeah."  
"Of course it would. You're still a baby. Too young for babies and marriage. Your father failed you by not being a better father. If you'd been my son, I'd have done things differently and you wouldn't be in the situation you are now. I bet you miss having no responsibilities."  
Raphael looked down and muttered, "I thought I was ready ta be a dad. I love my babies, but I wasn't ready. Me and Leo should have waited."  
"Yes. But we can still address birth control to prevent more babies. Condoms, Raphael, at all times. Safe sex and all that. And there are sexual diseases out there."  
"Why do ya care ta give sex advice? Ya hate us turtles. And me and Leo did use condoms, but we had drunken, angry sex two weeks ago and that's why I'm gravid."  
"I think your father did a crappy job of raising you kids, especially you, Raphael. He willingly condoned Leonardo and yourself mating and breeding at such young ages. It's extremely sad. That such a talented fighter like yourself is relegated to childcare and breeding. Not a life, is it? If you ever want to talk, I will try to give you the parental advice you desperately need."  
"Thanks, but no thanks," Raphael snapped. Maybe he's right, Raphael thought. Dad should have given us better advice or tried harder ta keep us apart. "What else ya got ta tell me?" Raphael asked.  
"A lot," Shredder said. "Listen." He proceeded to give Raphael all kinds of parental advice, from raising kids, to sex advice, to being more assertive.

Two hours later, a very embarrassed Raphael arrived home and climbed into bed beside Leo.  
"Mmm, Raphie," Leo said sleepily, nuzzling his mate. "Missed ya."  
"Don't touch me!"  
"Did I do something wrong?"  
"Shitty day."  
"What happened, Raph?"  
"On the way back from Casey's, I ran into tin can and we were 'bout ta fight, when I got sick."  
"You okay, Raph?" Leo asked, concern in his sapphire eyes.  
"I'm fine now. Ya know what's worse than losin' a battle, Leo?"  
"What?"  
"Havin' ta listen to chome dome lecturin' 'bout sex. I nearly died! I wish he'd killed me instead."  
Leo laughed. "Glad ya think it's funny," Raphael said sarcastically. "It ain't. He was right. Dad had part of the talk with us, but not all. I remember runnin' out and not listenin' and now we have two kids and one on the way!"  
"Whoa, what?"  
"I'm gravid again, Leo. That's why I spewed my guts up. We should have used protection."  
"Maybe, but I don't regret the kids. Do you?"  
"I love them, but I….I've worked so hard ta get back ta where I was before Kane arrived and now I'm gonna go through all that again."  
"We'll get through it, Raph. I'll be there for you all the way. You're not alone. You know that, right?"  
"Ya better, but from now on we always use condoms and no more drunken, angry sex!"  
"Agreed. I love you, Raph."  
"I love ya too. Hey, ya know it was funny how carin' Shredder became when he learned I was gravid."  
"Shows he has some good deep down then, maybe, but I'll never trust him. You shouldn't either. Do you trust him?"  
"No! Night, Leo, I love ya."  
"Night, Raph. Love you, too."  
Chrome dome was right, Raphael thought, a tear trickling down his face. Me and Leo were too young and our father failed us. And now we have baby number three on the way. My life is gonna go back ta shit again. I don't want this baby. I want my life back. Maybe I can ask Shredder for advice on how ta do it? He was nice tonight. Maybe he'll help me again? But I can't tell anyone 'bout it, especially Leo. Sighing heavily, Raphael closed his eyes and was soon asleep.


	4. Feeling trapped

Raph woke up the next morning, feeling extremely sick. Scrambling out of bed, he raced to the bathroom and upheaved into the toilet. "You okay?" Leo said, entering the bathroom. "The baby," Raph said, taking in deep breaths, his head over the toilet bowl. "Mornin' sickness. AGAIN." He threw up again, sat down, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and took in more deep breaths. "It's going to be okay," Leo said, sitting down and taking Raph's hands in his. "We'll get through it, Raphie."  
"Ya mean I will. Ya ain't the one who'll be spewin' his guts out every other minute, or swellin' up and carryin' extra baggage."  
"You're so sexy when you're gravid, Raph. Pregnancy suits you. Your skin glows and I just want to ravish you. Come here, my hot lover."  
"Back off, Fearless," Raph growled. "Ya ain't listenin' ta me! We should NEVER have boinked. Chrome dome was right."  
"So you regret us happening, do you?"  
"Sometimes I miss my old life, Leo. Bein' able ta do what I wanted and not havin' ta worry about shit diapers, screamin' babies, chores. Crap like that."  
"So our babies are crap, Raphael?" Leo demanded, his face darkening.  
"I'm sayin' we got together too soon. Should have waited until we were older."  
"Maybe we should have, but we can't change that, Raphael," Leo said coolly. "All we can do is accept our responsibilities and deal as best we can. Unless you want to bail. Is that it? Did Shredder make you reconsider being with me and our babies?"  
"No. I just feel overwhelmed sometimes, Leo, but I do love ya and the kids and I'm also scared 'bout havin' this one. Six months after Kane hatched, I was gravid and miscarried three weeks into the pregnancy after that battle with can head, and I'm scared that'll happen now. If the baby had been a girl, we loved the name Rebecca. And I…"  
"That's why you won't be fighting, Raphie. No more patrols. Nothing until baby's at least a year old."  
"Leo, yer confinin' me ta the lair again?" Raph asked, clenching his fists angrily.  
"No, you can visit Casey and April, but no patrols. I'm not taking any chances. You disobeyed me that night and went out."  
"I know," Raph said, hanging his head. "It was my fault we lost the baby, Leo. We've been over this and I've apologized a million times. I can't bring the baby back or undo what happened."  
"So if you're sorry, Raphael, you will listen to me. Do you understand?" Leo said, tilting Raph's face up to his.  
"I do, Leo," Raph said softly.  
"And stop with this crap. You're not alone. You have me. Can you stomach some breakfast? You need to eat. Got our boy growing inside of you."  
"Ya think it's a boy?"  
Leo nodded. "Now come and eat, Raphie," Leo said, picking up Kane from his crib and passing him to Raph. "I'll get Leo."  
As Raph went into the kitchen, cradling Kane, he thought sadly, I feel trapped. Two kids, another one on the way and my mate don't understand me or listen ta what I say. My life is shit and I want out. I want out.

Leo entered the kitchen a few minutes, holding Leo jr. "Spotting his family at the table, Leo set Leo jr down on his seat and said excitedly, "Me and Raph are going to have another baby."  
"Really?" Mikey squeaked. "That's so awesome. I get to be an uncle again. Can we call him Mikey?"

"That's wonderful, my sons," Splinter said. "How far along is Raphael, Leonardo?"  
"Two weeks, so he-I think it'll be another boy, will hatch a few days after Raphie's birthday."

Don cast a look at Raphael, who was feeding Kane his formula. Raph had said nothing the entire time, which Don thought was odd. "Raph," Don said. "You must be feeling excited, too?"  
"Bout what?"  
"The new baby."  
"Oh, yeah, I'm stoked. Really."  
Relieved and believing his brother, Don said, "Congrats, Raphie."  
"Thanks."

Breakfast was uneventful and afterwards, Raphael bathed his babies, feeling resentful of the growing baby inside of him and studying his babies, he imagined what it would be like to wring their necks. One snap and they'd be dead, he thought, and I'd be free of this millstone around my neck. Free ta do what I thought. Gasping in horror at what he'd thought, he yelled for Leo. "What?" Leo said, entering the bathroom.  
"Can ya bath the babies?" Raph said, trembling.  
"Is something wrong, Raphie?" Leo asked anxiously.  
"I feel sick and need ta lie down."  
"Okay. Go rest. I'll come and check on you."  
"Thanks."

Raph fled to the bedroom, hopped into bed and covered his face with his hands. How could I think of murderin' my babies, he thought. Something's wrong with me. Leo came to check on him and Raph feigned sleep. Leo kissed his head and left. I have ta get out of here, Raph thought. I have ta. Need ta get far away before I kill the babies. He was about to get up when Leo returned, carrying a large tray. "Brought you some food, Raph," Leo said, settling it on Raph's lap.  
"Uh, thanks, but I'm not…."  
"You're carrying our baby and he needs his food. So do you. Eat up. Mikey made…"  
"I ate breakfast, Leo."  
"You hardly ate, Raphie. Stop being stubborn and eat."  
Raph sighed and tucked into the large bowl of porridge. "Good," he said. "Leo, we need ta talk. I've been havin'…." Raph thought about how he'd tell his mate what thoughts he'd been having and froze. How can I tell my mate I'm thinkin' 'bout murderin' the babies? How does one say that? Maybe what I thought was a once off, because I've been so stressed. That's it, right? So I don't need ta say anythin'. "You've been having what?" Leo asked.  
"Nothin'. This porridge is good," Raph said, licking the bowl clean. "Can I have more?"  
Leo chuckled and said, "Absolutely, Raph. I'll be right back."

Feeling trapped and resigned to his pregnancy, Raphael thought, I may as well eat. Ain't nothin' else ta do. No patrol, no topside. Just the fuckin' lair and the babies. And why do my emotions keep changin'? Is it the hormones? Somethin' else? Sometimes I'm so mad, other times I feel like I want ta cry and then I want ta hit someone and strangle them. Oh, here's Leo. Now I can eat. Maybe it's just the hormones, but I wasn't like this with Leo and Kane. Oh, cake. Have ta eat.

Raph stuffed his face and said, "More, Leo."  
"Seriously?" Leo said in shock. "Two bowls of porridge, cake and now you want more? Raphie, you're going to get fat."  
"So what? I can lose the weight. I did after I had Kane, so I can do it again. Get me the cake, Leo. Ya knocked me up. Least ya can do is take care of me."  
"All right, Mommy. Hold your horses."  
"Hurry up, Leo. Me and the baby are hungry!"

Yeah, Raph thought. I'm gonna get fat and eat as much as I want. After I've laid my egg, I'm gonna lose weight, stay home with baby for as long as I need and then go back ta doin' what I want. And Leo has ta get fixed. No more babies.

Raph was right. It wasn't hormones causing his shifting emotions, but something far, far more serious


	5. Baby number three

The following months weren't easy for Raph. He watched his buff body blow up to even bigger than it had been when he was carrying Kane, but too stressed and depressed to care anymore, he indulged in food and TV. He still had thoughts of murdering his babies, but they didn't come as often as before and Raph wondered if it was just due to the stress he was under with the baby and all the weight. He didn't tell Leo, thinking the feelings would leave when he'd had his baby.

Leo knew there was something up with his mate, but he didn't think Raph was depressed and thought that he was just feeling hormonal due to the baby and that it would pass once Raph laid his egg.

Fuck, I feel like ten beach balls, Raph thought, at nine a.m. on March 22. He tucked into his sixth piece of chocolate cake that morning and he'd only had breakfast three hours before. A substantial breakfast of pancake, eggs and bacon. He'd had thirds and now here he was, still stuffing his face like there was no tomorrow. I'm always hungry, Raph thought. I can't help it. Damn baby and cravings. Raph looked at himself. There was no trace of the muscular turtle he'd always been. His swollen belly, thick thighs, plump legs and balloon face were an ad for weight watchers, he knew. Leo told him he was gorgeous all the time, but Raph didn't believe him. How can he call me gorgeous when I'm so fuckin' fat?

"Hey, Raphie," Leo said, entering the lounge. Spying the half-eaten cake on the table, Leo said, "Really, Raph? You've eaten half a cake and it's not even noon."  
"I'm hungry, Fearless."  
"But don't you think you should watch what you eat, Raphie? I mean…."  
"Ya callin' me fat, Leo?" Raph demanded, his face darkening. "Ya said I was gorgeous. Now yer callin' me fat!"  
"No, Raph. I'm just saying that maybe you should slow down with the food."  
"Food makes me happy, Leo. I told ya that. It's the only thing I can do. Eat. I can't go on patrol, go topside, train, fight bad guys. All I can fuckin' do is eat and watch TV. Give me a fuckin' break, Leo. Ya don't know what it's like carryin' extra baggage!"  
"I'm sorry, Raphie. I know how tense you are. Do what you want. Know I'll be here for you."  
Raph sniffed and wiped his eyes. "Fuckin' hormones. Ya spoken ta Don yet?"  
"About what, Raph?"  
"Gettin' fixed."  
"No, I haven't spoken to him."  
"Ya said ya would," Raph yelled. "I don't wanna become gravid again, Leo. I'm fuckin' done. Ya get…"

Before Raph could continue his sentence, he was hit with a stabbing pain that caused him to clutch his belly and groan. "Raphie," Leo said, rushing to him. "What's wrong?"  
"Think baby's comin', Leo. Get Don and Mikey."  
"Mikey and Dad are at April's until tomorrow. Remember? They left after breakfast with the kids. I'll get Don. Take deep breaths, Raphie."

"ARGH!" Raph screamed, the pain intensifying. "Fuck. Hurts so bad."

Minutes later, Don and Leo entered the lounge and with great difficulty, managed to get Raph to his bed. He was too big for the stretcher in the lab. "Okay, Raphie," Don said, examining him. "I think baby's coming. Lovely gift."  
"Shut up, Don! Ya don't know…ARGH! Leo, why are ya standin' there doin' nothin'? I need ya."

"I'm here, Raphie," Leo said, grasping his hand in his and kissing it. "I'm here, Raphie."  
"FUCK!" Raph shrieked. "I CAN'T do this. Ya fuckin' bastard, Leo. Yer fault I'm goin' through this."  
"You can scream at me all you like later, Raph, but we need you to push. You can do it."  
"No," Raph said, shaking his head. "Can't."

Don got a wet cloth from the bathroom and handed it to Leo. "Wash his face and forehead and keep talking to him, Leo."  
"Push, Raphie," Leo said, wiping his face and forehead with the cloth. "Come on. Push our boy out. You can do it, Raph."

Cursing and screaming, Raph pushed for all he was worth, but nothing happened. "Any progress, Don?" Leo asked.  
"No. Raphie, keep pushing. Don't stop."

Panting heavily and tears running down his cheeks, Raph said, "I can't do this. I'm tryin'. Maybe the egg's stuck."  
Don examined Raph and said, "Could be. You want me to induce the egg, guys?"  
"No. I don't want drugs. Want the baby ta be born naturally like his brothers."

"Raph, you sure?" Leo asked.  
"Yeah. Don't want no drugs for the baby. I'll keep pushin'. Drugs are bad for the baby. Just stay with me, Leo."  
"I'll never leave you," Leo said, kissing his beak. "I love you so much."  
"Same here, Fearless, even if ya keep knockin' me up."

Twelve hours later, at 9:10 p.m., after being in labor all day, Raph gave a final push and out popped a large white egg. Leo kissed his panting and crying mate and said, "You did it, Raphie. I'm so damn proud of you." Don had set up the video camera a few hours earlier and it had caught the special moment. "I did?" Raph asked in amazement, looking at the white egg that Leo held.  
"You did, Raphie. Want to hold our egg?"

"We should really get it in an incubator," Don said. "Pronto."  
"Two minutes," Leo said, handing the egg to Raph, who ran a hand over it and smiled weakly.

"I'm tired, Leo," Raph said. "Really tired. Wanna sleep."  
"Of course."

Leo handed the egg to Don, who placed it in an incubator. "Congrats, guys," Don said. "Well, done, Raph. You did a fantastic job."  
"Want sleep," Raph said, yawning. "So tired."

"Do you want pain pills, Raph?" Don asked. "Does it still hurt?"  
"Badly." Raph wasn't one to ask for medication usually, but now he desperately wanted it. Laying the egg had taken all of his strength and hurt him something fierce. It had been a far more difficult and long labor than the others, which had been short and Raph had been able to get up after a few hours. I don't think I'm gonna be up for days, Raph thought, swallowing the medicine and water that Don handed him. Fuckin' still hurts and sex is outta the question. Why won't they leave me alone already? Look at Fearless. He looks like a proud, damn fuckin' peacock, like he did all the work. All he did was screw me. I laid the fuckin' egg!

"You're so brave, Raph," Leo said, kissing his beak. "I'm so proud of you. Have I told you that? You're my brave, handsome mate and I love you incredibly."  
"If ya think I'm gonna fuck ya, yer wrong," Raph hissed. "I just laid a fuckin' huge egg outta…"  
"No, Raphie," Leo said, looking hurt. "I wasn't thinking about that at all. I know you need rest, so I'll leave you and come back later."  
"Whatever," Raph said irritably. "Do what ya wish."  
"I love you, Raph," Leo said, kissing his cheek.

"Great job again, Raph," Don said. "Do you need anything else?"  
"Ya ta leave. Ya and Fearless are pissin' me off with yer fussin'."  
"Okay, Raphie. Sleep well."

Watching Leo and Don leave, Raph closed his eyes and thought, the egg's been laid and I'm sure those unwanted feelings will go away. Things will get back ta normal and I'll lose my weight too. Within minutes he was soon asleep, utterly exhausted after his traumatic day


	6. Raph's subconcious

Leo called Mikey and said, "Raph laid the egg, Mikey."  
"Is he okay?"  
"He was irritable, but wouldn't you be if you'd just laid an egg?"  
"Yeah. I'm so glad I can't do that, dude. Dad and I'll be back tomorrow morning. Tell Raph I say hi."  
"Will do."

Leo disconnected the call and said, "Don, want some tea? I could use some."  
"Coffee. I'll make it. You sit down and relax, okay, Daddy?" Don said, and began making the tea and coffee. Leo beamed and said, "I can't believe how quickly my little family's growing and I can't wait for the little one to hatch."  
"How does Raph feel?"  
"He's thrilled of course. Why wouldn't he be?" Leo said defensively.  
"Just an impression I get. Have you noticed anything strange about Raph lately? He doesn't seem as hands-on with the babies. I've been meaning to talk to you about it."  
"He's been exhausted with the pregnancy and morning sickness, Don, and asked me if he could rest. That's all. He loves the kids just as much as I do."  
"What about his weight? Raph loved working out and cared about what he looked like. Now all he does is eat and sleep and if anyone comments on it, he starts to cry or is aggressive."  
"What else is one supposed to do when one is pregnant, Don?"  
"Having three babies in such a short time could have done a number on him, Leo. Perhaps he's depressed."  
"Raph depressed? No way. He'd tell me. I know my mate. He's fine, Don. Now that the egg's been laid, Raph will be fine."  
"I hope so, Leo."  
"You're implying that I don't know what the hell's going on with my mate. Of course I do. Raph said it was due to the hormones and I believe him."  
"Okay," Don said, pouring the tea and coffee into cups and setting them down on the table. "I was just concerned, Leo."  
"No need to be. Raph's tough and he'll be up and raring soon and be like the Raph we all know and love."

"LEO!" Raph yelled from the bedroom. "Leo!"  
"Got to go, Don," Leo said, and ran to his bedroom.

"What is it, Raph?" Leo asked, looking at his sobbing mate.  
"I had a bad dream."  
"I'm here," Leo said, grabbing Raph's hand and kissing it. "Want to talk about it?"  
"It was so awful. I dreamed that I killed the babies. I put them all in the oven and then I killed myself with my sai. Oh, Leo. The smell of burnin' flesh felt so real, so I tried ta get up and check on the kids, but I couldn't move, because I'm still so sore. Are they okay?"  
"They're fine and asleep in their beds, Raphie, and it's just a nightmare. You would NEVER harm the babies, okay? You're a fantastic daddy and they love you and I know you love them."  
"With all my heart," Raph said, and sniffed. "Leo, am I sick? Ain't the first time I had these dreams."  
"They're nightmares, Raph. That's all. Like the ones we have of our family dying. Bad dreams and they're not going to happen. You're not sick. You just need lots of rest and you'll be up and about in a couple of days."  
"There's such a thing as postpartum depression, Leo. Chicks get that sometimes after a traumatic birth. Do I have that?"  
Leo shook his head. "No. You're just suffering from exhaustion, Raphie. Get some sleep."  
"Sometimes I feel worthless, Leo. Like what's my meanin' in life? Am I a good daddy and do I matter?"  
"Of course you matter, Raphie. We all love you and we'd be lost without you. Why are you thinking that? Is it the hormones?"  
"Yeah, guess so. Perhaps yer right and sleep's all I need. Hey, Leo, did ya talk 'ta Don 'bout gettin' fixed?"  
"Of course I did. Want me to stay with you?"  
"No, I'll be okay now. Thanks, Leo. I think I can sleep now. Kiss the babies for me."  
"I will, Raphie," Leo said, pecking his cheek. "I'll come to bed just now."

When Leo had left, Raph saw an apparition dressed all in black before his bed. "Who are ya?" Raph asked.  
"I am Deacon," the figure said, removing his black cloak.  
Raph gasped, as he saw the figure looked exactly like him. Right down to his amber eyes. "Ya look like me."  
"Correction. I am you, Raphael. Your subconscious, but we talk differently, because I find the Brooklyn accent quite lower class."  
"Ya ain't real."  
"I'm perfectly real. It's me, whose been telling you to kill the babies. They're parasites and leeches and a drain on your-our life. You never wanted them and you want to get rid of them."  
"No, they're babies… I…"  
"Raphael, they're like a millstone around your neck. We know that. Be honest with yourself."  
"But I can't get…"  
"Leo's always telling you what to do, Raphael, isn't he? And he doesn't listen to what you have to say. You're unhappy and he's fucking clueless. You've told him you don't want kids and he keeps knocking you up. Why? Because he wants you to be nothing more than a breeding machine. He doesn't give a shit about you and your feelings, Raphael. He never has."  
"Not true," Raph yelled. "Go away."  
"He's fucking Donatello. You know that. Why would Leo want you? You're fat and ugly!"  
"STOP!" Raph shouted. "Go away!"  
"You want to get even with Leo and take back control of your life, Raphael? Then you have to get rid of the kids. It's the only way. Don't you want freedom and your life back?"  
"Yeah," Raph said, and sobbed. "Very much. What do I do?"

"Raph," Leo said in alarm, entering the room and rushing to Raph's side. "I heard shouting. Are you all right? Was it another nightmare?"  
"Do ya love me, Leo?"  
"Of course I love you, Raph. Why are you asking this?"  
"I'm fat and ugly and Don's not."  
"What does Don have to do with this?"  
"I've seen the looks ya give him, Leo, and the ones he gives ya. Yer fuckin' him, ain't ya?"  
"Raph, no. I would never betray you like that."  
"And Mikey? I know he's got the hots for ya. They both do. Why would ya want me? I'm just a fat blimp," Raph said, and started to weep.  
"No, no, Raphie," Leo said, pulling Raph close and kissing his beak. "I wouldn't cheat on you, Raph. Not even if the hottest celeb asked me out. I love you and only you. Now and forever."

"He's lying to you, Raphael," Deacon said. "He's going to fuck Donatello tonight. Take your life back, you pathetic wimp. What happened to you, Raphael? You used to be so strong and brave. Now you're just a giant marshmallow and a nothing. Is that what you want, Raphael? To be a nothing and Leo's breeding machine?"  
"NO!"

"No, what, Raphie?" Leo said, concern in his sapphire eyes.  
"GET THE FUCK OUT, LEO. AND STAY OUT."  
"Whoa, Raphie. I…"  
"NOW. I WANT TA BE ALONE."  
"I love you, Raphie, and I would never betray you."  
"NOW," Raph said, tossing a glass of water at Leo. It narrowly missed him and crashed against the wall, shattering into many pieces.

Leo stared at Raph in shock and said, "I know it's just your hormones, Raph, so I'm not mad, okay? Get some sleep. I love you."  
"OUT!"

Left alone, tears streamed down Raph's cheeks. What's wrong with me, he thought? I didn't mean ta do that.  
"Take back your life, Raphael," Deacon said. "Take it back now!"  
"Shut up. Ya ain't real."  
"Oh, yes, I am and you'll soon see. Listen to me and your life will improve. I know best."  
"Go away!" Raph said, covering his ear slits. "Go, go. I don't want ya."  
"You do. You're just too weak to admit it. Grow a spine, Raphael."

Raph pulled a pillow over his head and squeezed his eyes tight. I can make him go away. Make him go away. I don't want these thoughts. Raph sat up after a while and saw that there was no sign of Deacon. He wasn't real, Raph thought. Of course he wasn't. I dreamed him and I'm gonna be fine, right? Leo said I am. It's just hormones and I'll feel better after some rest. Raph closed his eyes and was soon fast asleep, oblivious of the storm that was about to brew.


	7. Raph's psychotic break

Raph woke up shortly after two a.m., on March 23, still feeling tired and miserable. He wiped tears away with the back of his hand and thought, I'm worthless and a failure and I'm unloved. Leo's fuckin' Donnie. Why would Leo want a fat lump like me?

"Exactly," Deacon said, appearing. "You're useless, Raphael. Why don't you do yourself-ourself a favor and end our life? Your sai are on the desk over there. All you have to do is get them."

"SHUT UP!" Raph yelled. "Yer not real."

"I am. Take the sai and slit your…"

"Raphael," Leo said, sitting bolt upright in bed and staring at his mate in concern. "Who are you talking to?"

"Deacon. He's over there, Leo."

"There's no one here, but us, Raphie," Leo said, grabbing Raph's hands in his. He kissed them and added, "Are you okay, Raphie?"

"I know he's here," Raph huffed, pulling his hands away. "He's always here. Watchin' and talkin."

"Maybe we should go talk to Donnie? I'll go get him," Leo said, finally realizing that there was something wrong with his mate. Don had been right.

"I ain't crazy, Leo! I swear he's over there and he says yer fuckin' Donnie. Ya've been spendin' a lot of time with him lately."

"Raph, I would never do that to you and I've always been faithful. Look, I'll go get Donnie."

"I'M NOT CRAZY!"

"I never said that, Raphie. I'll be back now, okay? I love you," Leo said, and quickly left the room.

As soon as Leo had left, Deacon said, "You are crazy, Raphael, and useless. We all know it and Leo's lying. He's banging Don. Why else would they be spending so much time together? They didn't before. Get up and get the sai over there and slit your-our throat. It'll end our suffering."

"SHUT UP!" Raph screamed.

"Do it, Raphael, or are you a chicken?" Deacon scoffed. "Chicken. Puck, puck puck."

"I ain't no chicken," Raph snapped. "Never have been."

"Then do it, Raphael. It's the only way to end the pain and we're not wanted. Even the kids don't like us and prefer Leo. We're the black sheep, we always have been and nothing will change that. Leo also blames us for miscarrying Rebecca and it was our fault, Raphael. We don't deserve to live. We never have. Let's kill ourself. Do the right thing, Raphael. It's the only way of ending our pain. No one will miss us."

Raph dragged himself out of bed with great effort and grabbed the sai on the dresser. He stared down at them and ran his fingers over the blade. "Come on, Raphael. We need to do this," Deacon said. "It's the only way out of our nightmare. No one's going to miss us."

"Yer right," Raph said, tears running down his cheek. "I should die and I'm gonna do it. I don't wanna live no more. Tired of everythin'." Raph held the sai to his throat and prepared to slice.

XXX

Meanwhile, Leo was talking to Don in his room. "So, you see Raph's seeing things, people, Don. And his moods keep shifting. It's insane. One moment he's happy. Then he's crying and then he starts yelling. I don't understand what's going on."

"Leo, I think Raph's suffering from postpartum depression. It's quite common after a traumatic birth. Raph was in labor for a very long time and in great agony."

"I thought that only happened to humans. Can you tell me more about it?" Don told him and Leo said frantically. "Shit. We have to get back to the room. His weapons are on the desk. What if he…"

Leo and Don raced to Leo's bedroom and saw Raph with the sai to his throat. "No!" Leo begged. "Don't do it, Raphie."

"Have ta," Raph said, tears running down his face. "Ya and Donnie are fuckin', Leo. I'm a screw-up, unloved and a bad daddy. Better ta end it."

"Raphael," Don said. "None of that's true. Leo and I love one another as brothers only. He's your mate and he loves you so much. That will never change. You're also an amazing daddy and the kids love you so much and you're far from a failure. Whatever the voice is saying, don't listen to it. Give me the sai, okay, and we can talk about it? We love you, Raphie."

"He's lying, Raphael," Deacon said. "They fucked earlier. Smell the pheromones in the air. They fuck all the time."

"I love only you, Raphie," Leo said, fear etched on his handsome face. "It's only ever been you. I spent time with Donnie, but all we did was watch movies. Raphie, please don't do this. The kids love you and need you. So do I."

"Raphael," Deacon said. "They're fibbing and we're not needed or wanted. Come on. Take our control back and do this. I know we can. They're just trying to control us like they've always done. Raphael, you know I'm right."

"Stay away, Leo and Donnie," Raph warned, his fingers trembling. "I have ta do this. Only way of endin' my pain."

"NO!" Leo screamed, lunging at his mate and knocking him to the floor. Although winded, Raph still fought for the sai, which twisted upward and buried itself into Leo's upper plastron. Hissing in pain, Leo rolled off of Raph and lay down, the sai sticking out of his plastron, and blood gushing onto the floor. "Leo!" Don shouted, rushing to his side. "You're going to be okay, Leo. I promise."

"Tell Raph I love him," Leo said weakly. "I know this isn't him. It's the psychosis and I forgive him."

"Leo," Raph said breathlessly, having snapped out of his psychotic break, and crawling to his side. "What happened? Who did this ta ya? Donnie?" Raph asked, glancing at Don.

"I have to take Leo to the infirmary," Don said, trying not to cry, and he lifted Leo up.

"Raph," Leo said, struggling to breathe. "I love you. Always remember that. You are the best thing about me."

"I love ya too, Leo," Raph said, fighting back tears. "Who did this ta ya? I'm gonna break their neck!"

Before Leo could comment, Don took Leo away to the infirmary, leaving Raph in a flood of tears.

XXX

The obese turtle tottered after his brothers and went into the infirmary. "Is Leo gonna be okay, Donnie?" Raph asked, as Don removed the sai from a now unconscious Leo's chest and began applying a tourniquet to the wound to stem the blood flow. "I don't know, Raph."

"Who did this ta him, Donnie? And how did they get into the lair with our hi-tech security? I'm gonna fuck them up so badly," Raph growled, clenching his fists.

Don didn't answer and continued attending to Leo, while Raph could only look on.

An hour later, Don said, "Raph, I've done all I could. It's up to him now."

Raph got up from the chair he'd been sitting on and said, "Ya gonna tell me what's goin' on, Donnie? How did this happen? It was me and Leo in our room. How did anyone get in there?"

"Raph," Don said, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. "Sit down. Please."

"Tell me, Donnie," Raph demanded. "What fuckin' sick psycho hurt Leo? And why would they? Leo's pure good and wouldn't hurt no one."

"Sit down, Raph," Don said, and led Raph to his chair. "Please."

"Fine," Raph said, sitting down.

Don pulled up another chair, sat down, took Raph's hands in his and said, "Have you heard about postpartum depression?"

"Yeah. Girls sometimes get that. Their moods keep changin', they wanna hurt themselves or the babies, have psychotic breaks, and a range of other symptoms. Why are ya askin' me? I don't got it. Leo said so."

"Leo's not a doctor and I'm not either, Raphie, but I know more than he does and if you've been experiencing those things you have it."

"So I'm sick?" Raph asked, pulling away. He didn't like being touched by anyone except his mate and babies.

"Yes, Raph, but we can treat it and it'll go away."

"Fine, but Leo? Who hurt him?"

Don pinched between his eyes, sucked in a deep breath and said, "Raph, you had a psychotic break."

"Huh?"

"Raph, there was no one else in the room but you and Leo, so…"

"Are ya fuckin' sayin' I hurt Leo?" Raph yelled. "Why would I? Don't make sense, Donnie."

"Raphie, with psychosis you think you're seeing and hearing things. You told Leo there was someone in the room, but there was no one there. Leo got me and we found you holding your sai to your throat. Leo tried to stop you, you guys fought and the knife ended up in Leo's upper plastron."

Raph's heart shattered and his face fell. Then, burying his head in his hands, he said, "I did that ta Leo. He must hate me so much. If he dies, it's my fault."

Don scooted his chair closer, tilted Raph's head up and said, "No. It's the postpartum depression, but we're going to treat you, Raph, and you're going to be okay. I promise. I want you to be honest. When did your moods start shifting all the time?"

"I don't remember."

"Have you had thoughts of killing yourself or others before now?"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"I thought it was nothin', because they never lasted long. I'm so sorry," Raph said, tears springing to his eyes. "I can't believe I hurt Leo. What's gonna happen now, Donnie?" Raph asked sadly, looking at Leo.

"I'm going to start you on a course of antidepressants, Raphie, and I have drugs to help battle psychosis too. It's going to be okay."

"And Leo?"

"The sai missed his heart and we'll just have to wait until he wakes up. If he does. It's touch and go."

"Can I stay with him?"

"Yes, but first your meds." Don went to a cupboard and took out a few bottles of pills. Then he poured a glass of water, handed it and the pills to Raph and said, "Take them, Raphie."

"For how long?"

"Let's start with two weeks and take it from there."

"I'm sorry, Donnie. I wish I'd told ya how I was feelin'," Raph said. He took the pills, swallowed some water and said, "Thank God ya were here, Donnie. Leo can't die. I'll never forgive myself if he does."

"Leo's a fighter, Raphie, and he'll do everything he can to pull through. He loves you and the babies so much and doesn't want to leave you. Raphie, you also said me and Leo have been sleeping together. It's not true, you know. Leo only loves you."

"But I'm fat and ugly."

"No, you're not. You're a little weighty because of your gravidness, but Leo doesn't care about that. He wasn't with you solely because of the way you looked and he'd never cheat on you, Raphie. You're his everything and he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize your relationship. I wouldn't do anything to come between you guys either, okay? I'm not and have never been interested in Leo."

"Okay. Donnie, if I didn't take pills what would happen?"

"Your psychosis and depression would worsen. I know you hate taking medication, Raph, but you have to and I don't know for how long."

"All right. I'll take them. I just hope Leo's gonna get better, Donnie," Raph said mournfully. "I love him so much and I can't lose him."

As they kept vigil over Leo, Raph thought despondently, I should have told Donnie and Leo what I was feelin'. If Leo dies, it's all my fault and they may as well bury me too, because I can't live without him.


	8. Apology

Raphael did, as he was instructed, and dutifully took his medication, while keeping a constant vigil over Leo, never leaving his side except for bathroom breaks and to wolf down a quick meal in the kitchen. There'd been no change in Leo's condition for two days. Raphael loathed himself for all the pain he'd caused and seeing his mate frail, a shadow of himself, the strong, brave leader Raphael admired him for being, cut him to the core. I did that, Raphael thought miserably. If only I'd told someone how I was feelin', Leo wouldn't be like this. This is my fault. My fuckin' fault. Raphael grasped Leo's hands and tears streamed down his cheeks, as he silently continued berating himself for being a terrible mate. Don entered the infirmary, that evening, March 25, and said, "It's nine p.m., Raph. Get some rest. I'll take over."

"No. I ain't leavin' him. Not ever. He needs me."

"I understand you want to be here, but you've barely slept these last couple of days and I'm worried about you. Get some sleep and if there's any change in his condition, I'll call you."

"No. I can't sleep knowin' he may never wake up, Donnie. That I may never get ta hug and kiss him again and tell him how much I love him. I need ta be here. If he does wake up, I wanna be the first person he sees and if he don't, I don't want him ta die alone. I ain't budgin'."

"Damn, you're stubborn, Raph, but I do understand. I'd feel the same way if it was my mate. Let me make up a bed next to Leo? How's that?"

"I won't sleep, Donnie, so don't bother," Raphael said, and gazed at his mate, silently pleading with his eyes for him to wake up.

"You need rest, Raphael. Let me make up that bed."

"Quit bitchin', Donnie!"

"I'm worried about your health. Someone has to be, because you clearly aren't."

Golden eyes glowered at him and Raphael hissed, "Fuck off."

"Can you please stop fighting?" a new voice said, as sapphire eyes studied their surroundings.

"LEO!" Raphael said excitedly, his eyes shining with happiness. He peppered Leo's face with kisses and added, "Yer back. Fuck. I thought I'd lost ya."

"Well, if I knew this was the greeting I'd get, I'd have come back sooner," Leo joked.

"Not funny," Don chided. "We were worried about you. How are you feeling, Leo?"

"Besides the fact, my chest hurts like hell and I'm thirsty, pretty good. How are you guys?"

"Better now that yer here," Raphael said, and nuzzled down against Leo's neck. "I was so scared I'd lost ya. I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry," Raphael said, choking back a sob, as tears streamed down his cheeks. "Ya must hate me."

Leo reached up, gently thumbed away Raphael's tears and said, "I could never hate you, takara. Hating you would be like hating a piece of myself. You're my world and I love you. I know it was the psychosis and not you, because you'd never willingly harm me."

Raphael nodded and said, "I wouldn't. I love ya so much, and it killed me knowin' I was the one who hurt ya and nearly…."

Leo gripped Raphael's hand and said, "Sh. Let's not go there, sweetheart. I'm okay. Everything's going to be fine. I'll be up and walking before long and you'll need to get medication. Not forever. Just for a while. I know you hate it, but…"

"He's already on medication," Don said. "And if he continues to take it, should soon recover, but I strongly recommend holding off on any more babies in the near future. The baby took a lot out of Raph both emotionally and physically."

"No problem," Leo said. "We have no plans to expand the family for a while. We just want to enjoy the babies and each other."

"Yeah," Raphael said, looking lovingly at Leo. "But I don't mean for a while, Leo. I'm done havin' babies. Three's enough."

"Maybe you'll change your mind in the future."

"No, Leo. I'm done and what's more, I'm gonna shed my weight, start trainin' and get back on patrol. And go on our missions. I love bein' a daddy, but I ain't gonna give up bein' a ninja. I ain't no housewife and I ain't gonna do all the chores. We'll share them."

Leo nodded and said, "Okay. If that's what you want."

"Yeah. It's what I want and if we have ta go on missions, Sensei will be here and April will help. She doesn't like goin' on missions anymore."

"Whatever you want, Raphie."

"And condoms. Lots of them, so there are no accidents."

Don coughed and said, "Bit late for that."

Raphael glared at him and said, "Our babies weren't planned, but they weren't mistakes, Donnie!"

"I'll get your pills," Don said, turning around and opening a cabinet. He took out two pills, filled a glass with water and gave them to Leo, who nodded his thanks and took them. Don sighed and said, "The babies are gorgeous, Raph, but you and Leo should have been careful and waited until you were older. Having said that, stop glowering at me. I love them to death. I'm just saying…."

"Yeah, we should have, but me and Leo don't regret it. We just ain't havin' more."

Don changed the subject and said, "Leo, you should get some sleep. You too, Raph. Let me make up the bed next to Leo."

"Okay."

Don made up a bed next to Leo, patted it and said, "There you go, Raph."

"Thanks. Don. And ya can judge me all ya want, but one day, when ya find a mate, ya will understand what bein' in love means. And it ain't just talkin' 'bout science. Sometimes, ya just wanna fuck and yer so hot and heavy, yer brain don't think 'bout anythin', but gettin' laid. That's how we were each time."

Don flushed and said, "You two were lucky to find one another, but who's to say I will meet someone?"

"You will," Leo said. "Any girl would be fortunate to have you. You're smart and caring."

"Yeah," Raphael said. "But she'd have ta be borderin' on genius and MENSA, ta keep up with yer brain. I can't. Half of what ya say goes in one ear and out the other. It's the same with Leo and Mikey."

"I doubt I'll meet anyone, but thanks. I'm heading to bed. I'll come check on you in a couple of hours, Leo. And if you need anything, call me on my T-phone, Raph."

"Night, Donnie," Leo and Raphael said in unison.

Left alone with his mate, Raphael climbed into bed, lay down and nuzzled against Leo, wrapping his arms around him. "I love ya, Leo. Don't ever leave me. I'd die without ya."

"Love you too, takara," Leo said sleepily, closing his eyes.

Just before Raphael drifted off to sleep, he thought, me and Leo are so blessed ta have one another and I'm gonna get better. And I can't wait until I'm bustin' heads again. Missed it so fuckin' much.


End file.
